My Mistake

I got up late again today
And I’m scared of everything
I don’t dare to dream
I guard a dark imagination
These hours waste away
A debt I’ll never pay
— Gabrielle Alpin - "My Mistake"

I had a bad day today. Well, it wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t anything. I’ve been home for just over 24 hours and I’ve already fallen back into the habits that were making me unhappy before.

It’s not all bad though. I’ve been listening like crazy to two songs lately. One for the past week or so and the other I literally heard for the first time this morning on the recommendation of a friend. Those songs are “Burn the Witch” by Shawn James and “My Mistake” by Gabrielle Alpin.

“Burn the Witch” is this super soulful and haunting piece that starts slow and builds. It simply describes a witch burning at the stake from the viewpoint of the witch. It’s dark and horrifying and absolutely tickles my skin every time I hear it. I have a visceral empathetic reaction and feel a sliver of what it might be like to be tied to that stake myself, and it’s exhilarating.

“My Mistake” has been on repeat for the last 4 hours or so. I can’t stop listening to it. When I first heard it I thought it was going to be this downer start with a twist and a triumph at the end similar to “Stay” by Sugarland. I will tell you now that it is decidedly not that. This song haunts me, and I’m not sure yet if it’s a good or a bad haunting. I’m sitting on the fence between feeling motivated by it and dropping into horrible depression because the song fits to my inner monologue like a tailored suit. I’ve thought some of the lyrics verbatim. The song ends without hope and full of blame. Yet somehow I find comfort in it. To think that someone who is clearly so successful and talented could write such an honest and accurate representation of depression is oxymoronically comforting.

The song may end without hope but I am still hopeful. I have plans for this year. I am still hopeful.