Lazy Bones

Getting myself to actually write something must be one of the hardest things I do on a daily basis. I don't get it either. I like writing, I like the end result so much, I even enjoy the process. I think it's definitely mainly just the thought of sitting down and doing something for an extended period of time. I have this worry that I'll be wasting my time, which is a tad ironic since that worry keeps me from starting anything with a commitment and I just end up browsing random stuff on the internet, which is so objectively more wasteful than it would be to just spend an hour writing. Even if the writing is complete garbage, and I don't use any of it, it's still practice. If it's trash at the very least I'll hopefully be able to tell why it's trash and not do the same things the next time. 

It's also so easy to get distracted. I might look into one of those programs that locks down your computer and only allows access to certain, pre set sites for a duration of your choosing. I've been a bit against them in the past, but it might be time to just buckle down and pick one up. Otherwise I know that I will just be spending way too much time "just checking on this one thing" before I write, and that one thing always turns into twenty things. 

This is a theory of mine that I realize may be completely obvious to most of you. The actual idea of doing something undesirable, or even something desirable in some cases, is far worse than just doing it. It can be so hard to start something, but once I do most of the time it turns out to be way easier than I thought it would, or it wouldn't take up as much time, or in the case of writing, the process itself will actually be fun. 

It's a bit counter intuitive that I try and explain this now, because as I sit here writing these words you're reading I feel uncomfortable and incoherent. Maybe I'll read this back later and realize it's totally fine, but it feels like shit right now. I need to force myself to do it, because I need to learn that if I just wait for those perfect times to write, where I have my own office chair and my nice keyboard, with my little stand to prop my screen up to be level with my head, I'll write maybe a book a decade. It's just not feasible to wait for the perfect conditions, sometimes you just need to rock something out on the back of the metaphorical napkin. 

It's the same thing with exercise I find. Getting up in the morning sucks, especially when there is no coffee in the house! I really liked it though when I would wake up early, go for a run, do some mediating, make some coffee, and by the time I had done all that it still wouldn't even be 7am. The entire day felt so much more productive from that point on. The absolute hardest part of that entire routine though is waking up to your alarm at 5:30 in the morning and not rolling back over for 5 more minutes. I know it doesn't seem like much, but if there is any advice I feel comfortable giving, it's that you can't, cant', CAN'T hit that snooze button. It will ruin your whole day. Once that alarm goes off you have to nut up, swing your legs over the bed as soon as possible, and lift your ass off that padded mattress. I know that things will be different for everyone, but for me at least this is the only possible way to be productive in the mornings. If I have even three or four seconds of second thoughts then the whole morning is shot, because I'll spend the next 10 minutes debating getting up, 15 more browsing the web on my phone, and that's if I don't accidentally fall asleep again. 

I haven't been running since I got back. I've wanted too, quite badly, but I guess not badly enough. I already have to get up early for work most days, so dragging that alarm setting back the extra hour to 4:30 is a really hard thing to do. It also doesn't help that barely 2 weeks after I'd been back I stepped on a nail and put myself out of commission for awhile on the running front. I know it's easy to look at something like that and just use it as an excuse, but I honestly couldn't even walk properly on that foot without huge pain, let alone run. It's just getting back to normal now though, and although there is still a little blackish hole where the nail entered, it doesn't hurt anymore. I did a bit of light jogging today and it was fine, so I am going to get myself up in the morning and go for a run. I was literally just about to type "it won't be 5:30 though, because it's too late tonight, already past 10", but fuck that. If I want to get back on that schedule I'm going to have to suck it up and take a night or two that allot me a bit less sleep than I would like. 

I should be getting to bed sometime soon though, so I don't hate myself quite as much in the morning. I'm in Kamloops now, well, actually I'm in Scotch Creek visiting my mom. I stayed in Kamloops Wednesday night when I arrived, and will be again Monday night before I leave on Tuesday. I'm dreading going back north just a bit, because I have two extremely boring and tedious courses for First Aid and H2S immediately after returning, then I have to go back to work on a slightly different schedule with 2 less days off next weekend to make up for the missed days for the courses. But after that I'll hopefully be back on track, with early morning wake ups and healthy eating. I tell you, when I drop below 200lbs, I'm going to be just ecstatic. I really hope it's all worth it in the end.